As stated in my last post, I was pretty darned confused about the whole Siggi thing, just not knowing what to make of anything and generally feeling like crap. That’s when an idea hit the both of us simultaneously – He’d have to come see me in person if he wanted to try to fix things, to show he was serious and try to explain himself. Not an easy feat. He’d just gotten back home, holidays and birthdays were popping up everywhere, and he’d just started a job. I was just this sad girl on another continent. Nonetheless, he made plans to come meet me in Florida on January 14th, about one week after the thought crossed our minds. He would have come sooner if he could, but he was flying on a bunch of money he didn’t have. Okay so maybe he was serious.
He caught me off-guard as I lay on the gazebo staring at the stars and greeted me with a smile. A truly awkward moment. We both felt like we weren’t really there. He just flew over the Atlantic ocean, again, to come say “I’m sorry” and work things out in a week’s time. Really didn’t feel real. I really didn’t know how things were going to turn out, but I just wanted us to spend a really nice time together, so I planned accordingly for a wonderful week to fly by.
The serious talk had to come eventually. It was a rollercoaster ride, with ups of forgiveness and Siggi yelling at the top of his lungs his love for me over the gazebo, and downs of worry, breakdowns for me from feeling like I wasn’t good enough, and a panic attack for Siggi from regretting what he’d done and being scared of losing me. I never asked him to give up his interest in polyamory for that was just a part of him. We talked a lot about his girlfriend in Iceland, who he’d had a crush on for years and had only learned she had mutual feelings while he was traveling. He showed me pictures of her and talked about how he loved her but how that didn’t stop him from loving me and me being the most important thing to him – Yeah, hard to swallow. But during the week that I waited for his arrival, I thought a lot about it and I did a lot of research and could start to understand this new way of life. It’s an entirely different concept and hard to understand when we’re engrained with other ways. After much discussion, I decided to take one of the biggest emotional challenges in my life and give this polyamory thing a try, because Siggi meant that much to me, and because I was always up for crazy mind-opening challenges and life experiences. I totally understand the desire to be with someone when you’re original partner is on another continent, but to have more than one partner while in the same city is an entirely different thing; I don’t know how that would go. Still, I decided to go with it and see what would happen. Siggi was sincerely sorry and meant no harm; He just went about it the worst way possible. We planned for me to visit him in Iceland during the summer, where I’d get to meet his girlfriend Alex if they were still together at that point, which would be very interesting to say the least… We weren’t there yet though. We’d stay in touch and be very honest about everything that was happening, and we’d lay down ground rules to ensure our safety and happiness. I was free to find my own partner, should I desire it. Siggi said he just wanted me to be happy. I actually had a handful of guys interested in me at or passing through the hostel, but none of which I felt a connection with. I wasn’t going to hook up with anyone just for the sake of revenge or not being alone, I just can’t do that, but if I did find someone that truly interested me, I’d see what would happen. And if anything happened, I’d talk about it openly with Siggi as well as with the other person. We talked a lot about things couples don’t usually talk about because it’s uncommon, rude, too honest or potentially hurtful, I don’t know… but it was all truth, and it was wonderful. There’s the saying that goes something like – Is it better to lie and create a smile or tell the truth and shed a tear? To me, the latter is always my choice.
Siggi was a volunteer during his stay as well, so he helped me around the kitchen and did some grounds work. We made our own “please wash your dishes” signs above the sinks, with Siggi’s saying something like “No one can read this so I’m just going to write a bunch of nonsense. Clean up, bitch” – Quite a funny sign that not many of us could appreciate. We went on our first tour together – A full-day 8-hour tour with half a dozen other people, including a boardwalk, a wet walk, a kayak paddle and lunch by the ocean. On our kayak paddle we couldn’t help but act like kids by racing and pushing each other’s kayaks, which inevitably sent Siggi falling out of his kayak and into gator waters, just meters from where I’d last paddled over a gator and almost smacked it in my snout with my paddle. Several nervous giggles and some aid from our guide later, we were back in action. A beautiful day out.
I love this picture; I think it’s just so wonderful. I also think it’s surprising of me to post such a picture considering how reserved I used to be. Just goes to show how things change. And yeah, they can change drastically. I’m sure some of you reading this are frowning or shaking their heads or at least sporting a face of confusion – Oh well, something new for you to ponder. Feel free to hit me with any question you got ’cause I’m sure I forgot to mention some stuff. There’s another surprise – Me caring less about what others think! I’m still far away from where I’d like to be, but I’m getting there.
The week flew by at lightning speed but it was a good week. This time Siggi left me with reassurance and a smile. I took the 2 hour+ train and bus back from Miami in a quiet state of contentment as I watched the city go by backwards from my seat. My world was reshaping itself once again, for me to grow and experience as much as I can and teach me what it had to offer. Hooo boy. Let’s see how this turns out.